Why is my heart so troubled? I often end up falling, and landing on the things to be sad about. Its true that there is more to be happy about, and its true that I’m not always happy. I’m a boy. And I’m a young boy. How could these feelings exist? I don’t know enough to be sad about. But I’m a man. I’m a warrior. Warriors are real, but they’re no longer honorable. They’re not honorable amongst themselves, only amongst their debtors. I wish this away from me. But I can’t… I’m consumed; Truly Like Fire! When will it burn all its fuel? Or when will someone pour water on it and extinguish the flames? Hope can lead on the greatest of dreams. One thing greives me to the ground. And how can it overwhelm me so greatly? Blind, stupid, curious, stubborn, gullible, selfish. Selfish. I’m not perfect. I’m not even good. What am I? Do I want to be perfect? It never once has crossed my mind clearly. I hope I don’t. I don’t know myself. Do I now? I feel like I do. But I feel a space still not filled yet. Though I sometimes feel overfilled, it runs over far too much. How is that possible? What is the purpose of my life? How should I succeed in my calling? I’m called to love. I’m in love with love. Have I met love yet? Would I be who I am if I knew love? How can I love? I’m afraid to love. A warrior would destroy love. What do I do? I am a veteran of a war far more deadly and horrible than any war between men of nations. A war within ones own heart. That is tragedy. Is healing true? Hopes dreams are vivid; lucid. I pray God, that your will be done through me.
I’m going to start blogging quite a bit more for your sake (my friends) and my own. Your sake because I feel like I give an impression at times that I don’t want to be some maybe my thoughts in text may be an assistance. And my sake because I really want to you, my friends, a lot closer. I think that can be accomplished by you seeing my mind.
So I was driving last night listening to the Black Swan soundtrack and jamming through some thoughts, and I decided to create a funny conspiracy. It goes like this; since we so surly believe that humans are the dominant species of the earth we may be so blind to the reality of a very superior animal army. And the reason we may not know about this secret revolution going on right outside of our cities is that the earths animals are so highly intelligent and organized that they go about their devious plots to overthrow our stranglehold on the planet. They may be so smart that they understand that humans need to hunt and fish them and kill them in reasonable numbers and it keeps us off their track by allowing some of their numbers to slide, they may even be so technologically advanced that they are even undetectable by means of aerial viewing. And maaaaaaan, that would be heavy. And coyotes are the biggest scouts, you know how you might randomly see one in the middle of the city, pretty questionable as to why he’s there… and so on.
I don’t think very highly of cremation. First of all; burning your body by choice is like a destruction of a holy temple, and what does it do anyways if someone is going to keep you in an urn in their house? Second; your body as ashes does not do any good to the environment, yes, ash is good for the ecosystem, but doesn’t it make more sense that a whole body could decompose a whole lot more good for it than a couple pounds of ash? Now yes its illegal and all to bury a body without a casket of whatever but if my wife is as old as I am and we’ve got an endless supply of old friends and were living out far somewhere, I think I’d be content with an honor killing from her to me for the sake of a pure, natural burial.